Who Am I?

Eighteen plus years ago when I got sober through the principles and practices of AA, I found myself wondering one day, just who am I?

For as long as I can remember, I was always stuffing something into my mouth for comfort and validation of my existence. As a child it was food. By the age of eleven I'd discovered drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. (And then of course years later after overcoming those addictions I turned to food again.) I hid behind those vices for so many years that my true personality was never free to develop. Stripped of my mantle, I found myself sudenly standing naked in the universe without a clue.

My quest for discovering me began when early in my walk of sobriety someone asked me if I'd like to go bowling. My immediate response was, "sure, why not."

But suddenly, for the first time in my life, at 34 years of age, I actually thought for myself. I asked myself, "would I like to go bowling? Hm. Do I like bowling? Let's see, I have to rent smelly ugly shoes that other people have worn, put my fingers into the holes of a 10 pound spherical rock, practically yanking them half out of their joints, somehow manage to not look like a fool as I jog to lane, aim this weight and throw it straight down the middle without ripping my arm from it's socket, all with the hopes of knocking over a bunch of pins that I swear are tacked to the floor at the other end.

"No, I'm sorry, I don't think I like bowling. But thanks for asking."

Soon I found myself wondering, what kind of clothes do I like? Do I like cosmetics? If bowling isn't it, what do I like to do for fun? Am I athletic or artistic? More intellectual or contextual? Introverted or extroverted? There were thousands of questions to be answered. It was like meeting and getting to know a new friend.

There are still a lot of unanswered questions almost 19 years later. But I have a much better sense of who anne is now. The person I loathed, has turned out to be just alright.

I like writing, photography, art, walking in the woods, autumn, snow, and all changes of season, flowers, babies, Scrabble, cats, rabbits, books, sunsets and sunrises, watching wild animals, waterfalls, a picnic by a stream, living in Colorado, historically correct ficitonal movies, movies that don't rely on explicit sex and foul language to sell, old black and white movies, people who love God and strive to grow closer to Him, Bible study, the smell of photo chemicals, manipulating photos in Photoshop, poetry, singing praise songs (even though I have no range,) going to church on Sunday, spending time with my close friends, learning new things and listening to contemporary Christian music...

Okay, enough. I could go on but I won't bore you. It was kind of fun realizing all the neat things I've discovered about myself :-)

Perhaps today you're in the same place I was so long ago. Take some time to look at that person you've been covering up for so long. Love yourself enough to take time to get to know you. Without self love, you'll have nothing to give. And giving is where all the joy is.

Who are you? What do you like? Go ahead, take some time to think about it. Perhaps even write a list. Write a story. Write a love letter to you.

O Lord, thank You for removing the shroud so that we can finally see ourselves as You do. Help each of us today to be attentive to the me You've created in Christ Jesus, to do the work You've already planned in advance for me to do. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.