What do I do when I'm an alcoholic/drug addict in pain?
I've been sober for nearly 19 years. But during some of those years, I was dependent on pain medications. Did I lose my recovery? I don't think so and I don't think I'm in denial about this. My Doctor explained there's a difference between dependence and addiction. Addiction is a mindset. Dependence is the chemical process that occurs when the body becomes used to operating with an added substance and doesn't know how to function without it. The difference is attitude - one's state of mind.
Those of us with addictive personalities or chemistry struggle with these issues.
Before my doctor prescribed pain medications, I was suicidal. It was either get me some help or else. Although physical addiction was a natural result, I was not addicted emotionally. In fact, I hated every minute of being on those meds. It was an insidious downward spiral that finally forced me to get off them and seek other ways to live with pain.
Initially, Percoset was prescribed for nerve pain. It made me nauseous and dizzy but did little for the pain. So the doctor ADDED Neurontin, a nerve quieter, which made me plummet into depression, so he ADDED Celexa. I began having serious joint pain in my hips, knees and shoulders so he ADDED Vioxx. When I complained about lack of focus from all the medications, he ADDED Adderall for attention deficit disorder. I took all these medications for a couple years.
I became extremely suicidal. I thought of nothing else. Finally I went to my doctor and said, I need to get off the Neurontin and Percoset, it's making me crazy. She said, go off of them gradually over a couple weeks. I decided, on my own, I was just going to go off everything at once over the next couple weeks.
Immediately I began having serious migraines, vomiting and delirium. I went on like that for several days, not sleeping or eating because everything came back up. One day I knew if I didn't get help, I was going to end my life so I called my husband who came home from work and rushed me to my doctor's office. She was out but the doctor filling in for her said I was foolish to get off everything at once. He told me to stop one medication at a time gradually. It took me six months to safely get off all of them.
Now I live with pain, using only two pain relievers: prayer and blogging.
Though life is extremely hard, it even SEEMS unbearable at times, there is always hope. Without hope, I would not be writing today.
Hope for me comes when I reach out to help someone else, for that little space of time, I forget about me. One of the greatest difficulties for me is that when I'm inactive, that's when I'm most sensitive to pain. Before I had back problems I was a very active person. It was easy to overlook every struggle in life because I was always busy at something and often busy at helping someone else.
For me, blogging gets me out of myself. Writing several blogs regularly is helpful. In addition to this journal, there's a blog on faith and another on photography and I'm about to start one on family issues. I'm no expert on any of these subjects and whether they really do anyone else any good or not, I can't say. But they do release me from self for a period of time which is a very good natural pain killer.
Since I'm not able to work, I've started several websites. None of them are making any money at this point. But it's all a learning process and the idea is to keep busy so I don't feel like a worthless bum while my dear husband works his fingers to the bone (literally-he's a mechanic) to take care of us. It's also my hope, dream and prayer that at some point, the work I put into my online business will pay off and I'll be a financial contributor and able to support myself should anything happen to my husband.
I also have a prayer ministry that keeps me busy updating another website and praying for the needs of other people.
Speaking of prayer, I'd like to pray for you now. May you find something that draws you out of your pain and into something constructive that brings you joy and peace.
Heavenly Father, You amaze me with all the stories of men who failed, men attacked by the devil who fell so far from grace and yet You lifted them up. Because of our depravity You poured that part of You that created the world into the womb of Mary to come into this world to walk with us and teach us Your ways. You lived the kind of life You want us to live for peace, joy, fulfillment and all good things. You walked a lonely road, suffered unbearable pain, and were crucified for our transgressions. None of it makes any sense to me Lord, perhaps it never will. But I know Your love is deeper than the deepest oceans, wider than all space. I know You forgive us and You will never leave nor forsake Your precious creation. Thank You for Jesus, thank You for friends in recovery who share my struggles, reaching out to help and for help. Thank You for what You're about to do in their lives. Father, I don't know who believes in You. I don't know whether there are agnostics or even die-hard atheists reading this. But whether they believe in You or not is of no consequence because You believe in them. You who created us know every cell in every persons body and all the trauma they've experienced. O Lord, I cry out to You now on their behalf. Abba Father, as You forgave David for lust, adultery, murder and foolishness, You forgave Peter for denying You, I now ask You to forgive us for our unbelief, our trusting in our own ways and leaning on our own ignorant understanding rather than seeking Your wisdom. Forgive us for every shred of pride and hopelessness as we come before You now with our request. Pour out healing on each one who suffers now. Pour it into their cells, muscles, nerves, down through the spine, into their skin, from head to toe and in every inch of the body. Would Your healing grace permeate the soul and mind, penetrating the deepest reaches of consciousness. O Holy Spirit, would You move in them now, that they would hear Your voice and recognize You, would each one feel Your love and mercy, and know Your peace. Wrap Your comforting arms around them and soothe their aches and pains. Should this pain and struggle continue in their lives, I pray for Your wisdom, discernment and strength to deal with it. There are many who suffer and are not healed but You use them in marvelous ways just as they are. I think of the Apostle Paul and all that he accomplished despite a constant "thorn in his flesh." I think of Joni Erickson Tada who suffered terribly and has done incredible things to help others. I think of all the good things that are happening in medical technology for the future of others by our own suffering now, and know none of it is coincidental, but by design. Would all be done according to Your purposes for Your glory. In Jesus' precious name I pray, amen.
Cyberhugs,
anne
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http://www.recoverystreet.blogspot.com/
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Who's Judging Whom
James 4:11-12
11 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?
My journaling often comes as a result of someone else's difficulties which trigger memories in me about something related.
This morning I was reminded of what it is to feel the persecution of others and spend way too much time harboring anger, anxiety, hurt and a whole host of other negative feelings.
As a child, I was a little pudgy, always wrinkled with unbrushed hair and just plain natty. My mother was the only working mother in my neighborhood, a single Mom who did what she had to to take care of her family. As a result we were what they call today latch-key kids.
Mom fed my sister and me a hot egg breakfast every morning before she boarded the bus for her hour-long commute to downtown where she worked. After breakfast we were on our own. So I would yank a wrinkled dress out of the ironing box and put it on, dashing out of the house looking like a rag doll that had been under a pile of stuffed animals in the closet for a few years.
As a child, I didn't understand why I was shunned by the other kids. After school, I drowned my low self-esteem in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chunks of butter, and other rich foods. Mom was kind of a health freak so it was, to my way of thinking now, an act of God that we had no chips or cookies around our house because I know I would have eaten them all.
As an adult, I became an alcoholic. Alcohol allowed me not only to live comfortably in my own skin, it also puffed up my ego. I was the best at everything I did - always showed up to work early every day no matter what and worked my tail-end off missing breaks and lunch. In public I had to prove there was nobody better than me while at home I drowned my loneliness and sorrow with lots of beer.
Becoming a Christian turned all that around. Although I had gotten sober in AA 4 years before I came to faith in Christ, I was still pretty arrogant and even after taking all the steps had incredibly low self-esteem and a strong persecution complex.
There was a time in my life when I adamantly declared I didn't care what people thought of me. Then one day I realized I not only cared, I had become a chameleon, adjusting my personality and plans to fit in to my social sphere.
It has taken me many years of prayer, reading God's word, counseling, and trusting God for the transformation of my mind and heart. I experienced one kind of transformation the day I committed my life to my Savior. But the circumcision of the heart has been a slow and arduous process.
Through this growth I've come to realize two very important lessons: The first is that what others think of me is of little importance. I no longer lean on my pride for the strength to face my tormentors, but on the promise of Phil. 4:13 which reminds me my strength is in Jesus.
The second lesson is that most people are just as worried about what we think of them as we are about what they think about us. In fact, they probably spend a lot more time being concerned about themselves. If they come across judgmental or arrogant, chances are it's no more than a facade to cover what they really feel. Most snooty people are just as broken inside as the rest of us.
We have the light of Christ. We have fellowship with brothers and sisters in our church. We have the understanding of others in our program of recovery. We have the steps to help us grow even as we grow in faith. We have a sponsor to encourage us. Most of all, we have Jesus.
So the next time we're concerned about someone judging us, let's look at it from their perspective and see them as God does; a broken sinful human who's problems we can't even fathom. Then we can ask ourselves, who's judging whom?
Heavenly Father, You are so righteous and holy, yet merciful and loving. You know every crack in our form and gently work diligently in our hearts and minds to mold us according to Your plans. Help us to see through Your eyes today, to be a light to the world. Help us not to judge, not to be concerned about being judged and to trust in Your judgment alone. In Jesus name we pray, amen.
11 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?
My journaling often comes as a result of someone else's difficulties which trigger memories in me about something related.
This morning I was reminded of what it is to feel the persecution of others and spend way too much time harboring anger, anxiety, hurt and a whole host of other negative feelings.
As a child, I was a little pudgy, always wrinkled with unbrushed hair and just plain natty. My mother was the only working mother in my neighborhood, a single Mom who did what she had to to take care of her family. As a result we were what they call today latch-key kids.
Mom fed my sister and me a hot egg breakfast every morning before she boarded the bus for her hour-long commute to downtown where she worked. After breakfast we were on our own. So I would yank a wrinkled dress out of the ironing box and put it on, dashing out of the house looking like a rag doll that had been under a pile of stuffed animals in the closet for a few years.
As a child, I didn't understand why I was shunned by the other kids. After school, I drowned my low self-esteem in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chunks of butter, and other rich foods. Mom was kind of a health freak so it was, to my way of thinking now, an act of God that we had no chips or cookies around our house because I know I would have eaten them all.
As an adult, I became an alcoholic. Alcohol allowed me not only to live comfortably in my own skin, it also puffed up my ego. I was the best at everything I did - always showed up to work early every day no matter what and worked my tail-end off missing breaks and lunch. In public I had to prove there was nobody better than me while at home I drowned my loneliness and sorrow with lots of beer.
Becoming a Christian turned all that around. Although I had gotten sober in AA 4 years before I came to faith in Christ, I was still pretty arrogant and even after taking all the steps had incredibly low self-esteem and a strong persecution complex.
There was a time in my life when I adamantly declared I didn't care what people thought of me. Then one day I realized I not only cared, I had become a chameleon, adjusting my personality and plans to fit in to my social sphere.
It has taken me many years of prayer, reading God's word, counseling, and trusting God for the transformation of my mind and heart. I experienced one kind of transformation the day I committed my life to my Savior. But the circumcision of the heart has been a slow and arduous process.
Through this growth I've come to realize two very important lessons: The first is that what others think of me is of little importance. I no longer lean on my pride for the strength to face my tormentors, but on the promise of Phil. 4:13 which reminds me my strength is in Jesus.
The second lesson is that most people are just as worried about what we think of them as we are about what they think about us. In fact, they probably spend a lot more time being concerned about themselves. If they come across judgmental or arrogant, chances are it's no more than a facade to cover what they really feel. Most snooty people are just as broken inside as the rest of us.
We have the light of Christ. We have fellowship with brothers and sisters in our church. We have the understanding of others in our program of recovery. We have the steps to help us grow even as we grow in faith. We have a sponsor to encourage us. Most of all, we have Jesus.
So the next time we're concerned about someone judging us, let's look at it from their perspective and see them as God does; a broken sinful human who's problems we can't even fathom. Then we can ask ourselves, who's judging whom?
Heavenly Father, You are so righteous and holy, yet merciful and loving. You know every crack in our form and gently work diligently in our hearts and minds to mold us according to Your plans. Help us to see through Your eyes today, to be a light to the world. Help us not to judge, not to be concerned about being judged and to trust in Your judgment alone. In Jesus name we pray, amen.
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